NFL Week 8 Shit Ranking

We’re eight weeks into the NFL season, and the shit is really starting to linger. Unfortunately, I have the misfortune of watching one of the worst teams in the league every week, so if your team makes this list, I can confidently say: your team is shit.  

And if I’m being honest, there are at least five more teams teetering on the edge of this dumpster fire—shoutout to the Seahawks, Giants, Patriots, Jaguars, and Raiders. But, to spare you from enduring more of my terrible writing, I’ll keep it simple: those teams are shit, too.

Without further ado, here are my top 5 most shit teams in the NFL after Week 8:  

5. New Orleans Saints  

I’ve heard Mintzy go on and on about “Mississippi mud pies,” but until I watched the Saints play last week, I had no idea what he meant. Turns out, it’s his nickname for his shits—and that’s exactly what this football team is: pure shit.  

Part of me feels bad for Mintzy since the Saints started 2-0 and looked like a top-five team before collapsing and dropping six straight. But then I remember I’m a Dolphins fan, and I’ve lived through far worse. If I’m still standing after decades of soul-crushing seasons, Mintzy will be just fine.  

4. Tennessee Titans  

This team is swamp ass, plain and simple. The only reason they aren’t higher on this list is that they somehow managed to beat the Miami Dolphins. Sure, it’s their only win of the season, but I refuse to rank them above Miami out of sheer principle.  

The Titans are so bad, they could convince an American to watch soccer on Sundays instead. You’ve got to wonder if they regret firing Mike Vrabel now. And no, Titans fans, there isn’t enough mayonnaise on this planet to make this mess taste better—this team is shit.  

3. Miami Dolphins  

This disaster of a team has crushed my spirit for the 24th straight year—also known as my entire life. I’ve officially hit my breaking point. I’m not giving up on them for the rest of my life, but I refuse to be a victim of their twisted scheme of false hope.  

From this moment forward, my mouth is sealed. I’m out until further notice. No more believing, no more hype. I’ve reached my limit with this pathetic excuse for an NFL team.  

2. New York Jets  

Thank God the Jets suck. Seriously, the Dolphins are shit, but the Jets? Oh my Lord, you guys are on another level. How do you have that roster, Aaron Rodgers at quarterback, and STILL manage to lose to the Patriots? Even the Dolphins beat the Patriots—with SNOOP HUNTLEY, LOL!  

Watching the Jets lose is one of life’s purest joys. Sorry, not sorry. The New York Jets are SHIT.  

 1. Carolina Panthers  

I don’t even know what to say anymore. I genuinely feel bad for anyone who still supports this team. They’ve reached a new level of terrible—the kind of shit that turns white, hardens, and doesn’t even stick to your shoes when you step in it.  

That, my friends, is the Carolina Panthers. Absolute, rock-solid shit.